Loved for no reason at all!

To be loved for no reason at all.... Yeah, this is how it ought to be for all of us. No need to perform, no need to walk on eggshells, no need to keep silent out of fear of being misunderstood....

We should all be welcomed to be authentic and loved just because of that!

Some days I feel so starved, not due to a lack of food, oh no, I have more than plenty of all material things. My starvation is of a completely different kind. I hunger for more heartfelt communication, soul connections!

To see and be seen, to hear and be heard, to feel and be felt !

Am I asking to much? Or is this yearning, this longing of mine universal?
I feel it is, I know it is, the only thing that differs is the level of awareness and openness to feel the pain of this deep heart and soul longing.

If I was meant not to need and want this communion there would be no other need for other people other than for procreation!

I want, I want, I want ! And I allow myself to yearn, long!

One breath at a time, one step at a time my journey will continue. What I do know is that is is far better to feel the longing than to numb it and deny it!

Life is a mystery and a miracle, I'm so blessed to be part of it!

Joseph Campbell said " When you follow your bliss....doors will open where you would not have thought....."

Wonder what doors will open for me?

Whenever, whatever... Remember to be gentle with yourself!

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What makes me tick

-I just got this thought around presence / auteticity and watches ( being a native Swiss ;)

Yeah, of cause to most important thing is to stay present in each moment, like the clock keeping it's time - but I do so much enjoy the mystery of opening up the cover, look inside and se all the small things that make us/the clock tick.

Sharing who we are in the moment ,but also sharing what has shaped us - where we come from, doing this from the heart is such a precious gift and to me and has nothing to do with storytelling.

To me it's such a joy when someone pulls of their cover and shares from the heart, what happens to me in such moments, regardless of what has been shared is just my heart expanding ....... Sooooooooooooooo much!

This of cause is a reflection of my own deep longing to not have to hide or censor anything - not have to feel shame and guilt about anything on my path towards who I am and unfolding today, to fully be able to accept and celebrate that each step was the perfect one even if I have not always been able to se it that way.

And..... Fully be able to embrace my own longing after what I haven't fully defined - celebrating that, to want it all, isn't being an egoist.....

As I child I felt like a stranger wherever I was, and having no siblings I always thought that I was the root to "evil" in my family.... It took me many years to understand that nothing was my fault. In the mean time I developed the strategy to read my surroundings and be able to adapt to any situation ..... To balance this out I also developed the ability to get what I want..... ( in some areas)

My aunt and uncle that I lived with for a year as a child always mocked me and said I was all about "me first" - for so long I believed this to be the truth, that I was bad, my father too accused me for being an egoist, not caring about others but putting myself in the first place..... They just didn't know better....and are long forgiven and loved.

But then..... Who would look after me if I didn't - nobody..... So yes I have put myself in the first place, I knew if I didn't I wouldn't survive.... But what nobody understood was that the only thing that I was looking for was how to learn to love and accept myself ....

It had nothing to do with not caring about others.... On the contrary, it was the knowing that if I didn't take care of myself I wouldn't have anything to give!

I am very aware of that this writing isn't very clear and structured, it just came from somewhere, from connecting, from going deeper into what makes me tick.....

.....so as a summary, I want to be worthy and loved both by myself and others this with my whole inner mechanics / the structured and the messy included ......

Be gentle with yourself!

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Enjoying inertia

Is it possible to enjoy inertia?
I've always looked upon inertia as an "enemy"' a state of body and mind that I should get out of as quickly as possible. Well, the harder I try to get out of it the more I get stuck in it.... Hm..... The law of attraction, but not exactly as I love that one!

I chose the photo above to illustrate these lines as it suddenly struck me that only I being a human being have these thoughts around inertia....
How absurd to think that a stone or a tree would complain about being stuck in the same place!

Amazing how easy it is to forget ones own wisdom..... Not to long ago I reflected over the fact that every breath is stringing life together in momentary nows that with the next breath already are in the past. So short is every present moment... So this feeling that I have about being stuck in inertia in a way doesn't exist at all, at least not more than one breath at a time ......

I'm so tired of being dissatisfied with myself, somewhere inside thinking that I should do or be differently, tired of having these thoughts drain my energy.

Well, today I will celebrate inertia - even if my head chatters that I haven't done anything but wasted a day I will refuse to believe that - today I want to enjoy every moment however it shows up, be with my thoughts with compassion knowing that whatever is I am - and I am ok - I am worthy!

Be gentle with yourself!

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Thank you for the music .....

Can you imagine a life without music? I can't ! Music has been medicine for me for as long as I can remember, to listen to music, to move to music, to make music.

Any state of heart and soul can benefit from music - countless are the times a sad song helped me cry or an other was my company when skipping around expressing the love for life!

Therefor I am so glad that both my children share this love and have had the opportunity to have music be part of their school experience. My daughter just graduated from music senior high or whatever you call grades 10-12 :) and my son will be beginning the same school later this august!

They both give me so much joy, I so much love hearing them play their instruments and sing - knowing that this knowledge will bring them both much joy and comfort in life!

"Thank you for the music, the joy it's bringing......"

Yeah! don't forget.... Be gentle with yourself!



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Turning Points

Sitting here at my kitchen table I suddenly just felt like writing, this deep desire to write about some of my turning points in life just arouse from nowhere... So here I am just letting my fingers type what my soul wants to say.

I am so blessed to have a life where the answers to my prayers do come if I just follow my heart and my truth. Many years I was tormented by my inner darkness, the scars of the passed overshadowed the moments of joy. To kill the pain I abused food. Bulimia became my companion for much to many years.... 11 to be exact. I thought that I had found a solution, not knowing that every time I put my head over the WC bowl I'd just fall deeper into despair despite the momentary relief.

No words can describe the shame and disgust I felt, always being painfully aware of my actions, knowing that my behavior was only a temporary solution. I fell deeper and deeper into self-hatred, feeling like such a fake showing a good looking happy smily face to the world, when dying on the inside. Today I can look at those years with gratitude, as being part of my life education at university of life.

Angels disguised as human beings have been a huge part of all my turning points. Who would think that a man breaking up with me was an angel? He was, as the pain of the breakup made me cross the Atlantic, made me go to the states, a place where I quickly hit bottom, but also fond help.

Who would think that the woman working as an accountant at my temp job would be one of my angels. She was, one day she put a flyer about overeaters anonymous on my desk. Riding in the elevator on Wilshire boulevard that took me to my first 12 step meeting was a huge turning point. I will never forget how scared I was, neither will I forget the joy and relief I felt realizing that I wasn't alone in this world!

All who have travelled the road of the 12 steps know that this is quite a bumpy ride, and so was mine. It took many years until I made friends with my inner enemies and the food. Helping me on this journey was a therapist in training that I meet while having brought my self to an eating disorder unit. Grace made me see that continuing having my life ruled by bulimia was a slow suicide, and as I wasn't ready to die I...... chose life.

My angel put her job on the line as she took me on as a patient before graduation. Not only did she do this but also gave me all her telephone numbers allowing me to call any time I needed. I never had to call, just knowing that she was there for me helped me through many dark moments.

I remember asking her, my therapist, how long it would take for me to get well! Thank God that she was wise and answered ... Well, that's so different from person to person..... I'm glad she didn't tell me the truth.... That growth and healing is a life-time commitment - it for sure was better for me to find out one day at a time!

To be continued - be gentle with yourself!


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