On my way

In New York , or rather New Jersey as I'm at Newark airport waiting for my next flight to leave. I like places like airport and train stations, such fun places to just watch the passers by! Look at them and wonder who they are and where they are going.

My body is beginning to feel a bit tired.... My time it's 9:15 pm..... And I got up at 4 am ..... Do hope that I'll get some sleep on my next flight to Costa Rica. But it so worth it, i love to travel to arrive at new places, or ones visited before, I feel so free!

I love the new technology, well, it's not that new anymore, but sitting here I have connected with my family and friends using Skype! It makes distances disappear but what I also know is the the true distances only vanish when we all really dare to open our hearts and feel what we are feeling in the moment. Right now I feel exhausted but so very blessed and grateful for my life and all that are part of it!

Happy birthday dearest Jessica! Enjoy your day together with your new friends in Brighton! I love you!

Remember be gentle with yourself!



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A new adventure

I am blessed. Tomorrow, really early in the morning, Sune will take me to the airport where a new adventure begins! This time I will be on my way to Costa Rica to participate at a week long workshop/retreat with Christian Pankhurst ( se links at the bottom of my blog)! Almost 22 hours of traveling - Umeå - Stockholm - New York - San Jose ....I will probably be both exhausted and jet- lagged but it's so worth it!

My body is filled with excitement and anticipation ..... What will this step entail? Well, so far every step in my life has taken me forward, this won't be an exception! On the contrary, I have a life changing feeling, bubbly and joyful!

Circle work is so powerful, such a joyful way to take a look at what is, both light and shadow, to be in the now, authentic, real to the bare bones! I so wish each and every single human being could experience this!

Yeah, now some sleep and then into the mystery :)
Remember, be gentle with yourself!

P.S. So proud of my Jessica - follow her if you know Swedish on
www.jessicaknecht.blogg.se


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So much Love!

Right this very moment Jessica is waiting for her luggage at Gatwick airport in London. Wow, time passes so quickly - from diapers to studies abroad!

I have to admit that I cried some mommy tears on my way back home from the airport after dropping her off! Oh yes, I will miss my best friend so much :) but am so happy that Jessa is embarking on this adventure! She's just the best! What a joy to have a daughter to love this much !






I remember when I came to England myself the first time! I was only 14 and fell in love with the way the country greeted me through a taxi drivers "hello luv how are you"! I'm looking forward to hear what Jessica's first impression will be :)

The stove is waiting :) remember be gentle with your self!




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No smoke without fire!

Smoking has been an on and off companion in my life ever since I was a teenager. More years on than off....

Many times have I questioned my own sanity in regards to this addiction, how can a quite intelligent woman like me continuously fall into this trap?

The old proverb "No smoke without fire" gives a clue, of cause there is a reason for my "insanity".....

An other proverb states "Sometimes you have to throw yourself into the fire to escape the smoke" ..... This gives me direction of action.

I have used my smoking friend as a comforter to cheer me up or calm me down or just to make the feeling of boredom and the state of inertia bearable.
..... I have quit many times and actually not missed my cigarettes at all after I've gone through the first weeks of withdrawal and agony....therefor it is even more not understandable why I time after time fall into the trap again, even after years of abstaining!

One reason I do know - it feels shameful to admit to it, but the truth is that I can't stand myself when the scale shows above my comfort zone.... This might sound like a really superficial angle, but the truth is that I feel like a stranger in my own body when the clothes in my wardrobe are to snug!
But I guess with great awareness this "problem" could be avoided.........

I'm so ready to let go of the cigarettes again, and so unwilling to go through the withdrawal..... So I keep on puffing...... A catch 22.....

So here I am waiting for the moment to throw myself into the fire to escape the smoke :) when will it arrive?

Remember, be gentle with yourself! I'm trying too!







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Loved for no reason at all!

To be loved for no reason at all.... Yeah, this is how it ought to be for all of us. No need to perform, no need to walk on eggshells, no need to keep silent out of fear of being misunderstood....

We should all be welcomed to be authentic and loved just because of that!

Some days I feel so starved, not due to a lack of food, oh no, I have more than plenty of all material things. My starvation is of a completely different kind. I hunger for more heartfelt communication, soul connections!

To see and be seen, to hear and be heard, to feel and be felt !

Am I asking to much? Or is this yearning, this longing of mine universal?
I feel it is, I know it is, the only thing that differs is the level of awareness and openness to feel the pain of this deep heart and soul longing.

If I was meant not to need and want this communion there would be no other need for other people other than for procreation!

I want, I want, I want ! And I allow myself to yearn, long!

One breath at a time, one step at a time my journey will continue. What I do know is that is is far better to feel the longing than to numb it and deny it!

Life is a mystery and a miracle, I'm so blessed to be part of it!

Joseph Campbell said " When you follow your bliss....doors will open where you would not have thought....."

Wonder what doors will open for me?

Whenever, whatever... Remember to be gentle with yourself!

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What makes me tick

-I just got this thought around presence / auteticity and watches ( being a native Swiss ;)

Yeah, of cause to most important thing is to stay present in each moment, like the clock keeping it's time - but I do so much enjoy the mystery of opening up the cover, look inside and se all the small things that make us/the clock tick.

Sharing who we are in the moment ,but also sharing what has shaped us - where we come from, doing this from the heart is such a precious gift and to me and has nothing to do with storytelling.

To me it's such a joy when someone pulls of their cover and shares from the heart, what happens to me in such moments, regardless of what has been shared is just my heart expanding ....... Sooooooooooooooo much!

This of cause is a reflection of my own deep longing to not have to hide or censor anything - not have to feel shame and guilt about anything on my path towards who I am and unfolding today, to fully be able to accept and celebrate that each step was the perfect one even if I have not always been able to se it that way.

And..... Fully be able to embrace my own longing after what I haven't fully defined - celebrating that, to want it all, isn't being an egoist.....

As I child I felt like a stranger wherever I was, and having no siblings I always thought that I was the root to "evil" in my family.... It took me many years to understand that nothing was my fault. In the mean time I developed the strategy to read my surroundings and be able to adapt to any situation ..... To balance this out I also developed the ability to get what I want..... ( in some areas)

My aunt and uncle that I lived with for a year as a child always mocked me and said I was all about "me first" - for so long I believed this to be the truth, that I was bad, my father too accused me for being an egoist, not caring about others but putting myself in the first place..... They just didn't know better....and are long forgiven and loved.

But then..... Who would look after me if I didn't - nobody..... So yes I have put myself in the first place, I knew if I didn't I wouldn't survive.... But what nobody understood was that the only thing that I was looking for was how to learn to love and accept myself ....

It had nothing to do with not caring about others.... On the contrary, it was the knowing that if I didn't take care of myself I wouldn't have anything to give!

I am very aware of that this writing isn't very clear and structured, it just came from somewhere, from connecting, from going deeper into what makes me tick.....

.....so as a summary, I want to be worthy and loved both by myself and others this with my whole inner mechanics / the structured and the messy included ......

Be gentle with yourself!

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Enjoying inertia

Is it possible to enjoy inertia?
I've always looked upon inertia as an "enemy"' a state of body and mind that I should get out of as quickly as possible. Well, the harder I try to get out of it the more I get stuck in it.... Hm..... The law of attraction, but not exactly as I love that one!

I chose the photo above to illustrate these lines as it suddenly struck me that only I being a human being have these thoughts around inertia....
How absurd to think that a stone or a tree would complain about being stuck in the same place!

Amazing how easy it is to forget ones own wisdom..... Not to long ago I reflected over the fact that every breath is stringing life together in momentary nows that with the next breath already are in the past. So short is every present moment... So this feeling that I have about being stuck in inertia in a way doesn't exist at all, at least not more than one breath at a time ......

I'm so tired of being dissatisfied with myself, somewhere inside thinking that I should do or be differently, tired of having these thoughts drain my energy.

Well, today I will celebrate inertia - even if my head chatters that I haven't done anything but wasted a day I will refuse to believe that - today I want to enjoy every moment however it shows up, be with my thoughts with compassion knowing that whatever is I am - and I am ok - I am worthy!

Be gentle with yourself!

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