You gotta feel it to heal it!

It's definitely no accident that sleep-deprivation is used as a torture method - the involuntary state of sleeplessness will brake you down or crack you open.

This time I have chosen to embrace the second alternative! What a challenge it has been not to brake down. To remind myself moment by moment that right now I am ok, right now I am alive, not to let past experiences put me into a state of total panic....

But there where several moments when I almost lost it, moments when I thought that my bodies capacity to deal with this state of being was going to let me down... I had to remind myself of that I am not my father, who died of his 3rd heart attack at the age of 58..... bring myself back into the present moment and ask myself if I was still alive  ....

which I obviously was - otherwise I'd not be writing this!

It is terror when the body & mind don't listen to reason, won't be calmed down by deep breathing, when the heart races, the muscles get knotted up in tension, when light and bright thoughts get knocked out of the way by spinning thoughts / analyses / observations and perceptions. When there's NO OFF BUTTON to be found........

talk about feeling really small, helpless and vulnerable... I cried, cursed, prayed, yelled into the comforting sounds of great thunderstorms ...... begged to be healed instantaneously........ I wanted a miracle .....

but no... there was more to be learnt, reaching out was one, being seen in this state an other......but most importantly was the loud and clear message:


Time has come: to fully embrace myself and my longing for connection, to accept the sensitive nature of my being, to stop numbing myself to survive in this world, to become even more aware of my defenses, to live in the present moment and trust my gut! So be it! 


.... ooops... important! Drop perfectionism & remember to smile, laugh and look at life from the bright side! Sometimes I have a tendency to become to serious :)
  

I am a warrior of light

I feel my strength

I know my truth

I radiate love and hope

This is my destiny 

"What do you get when you hold back?"

 "Less!"

Remember be gentle with yourself!