Sitting here at my kitchen table I suddenly just felt like writing, this deep desire to write about some of my turning points in life just arouse from nowhere... So here I am just letting my fingers type what my soul wants to say.
I am so blessed to have a life where the answers to my prayers do come if I just follow my heart and my truth. Many years I was tormented by my inner darkness, the scars of the passed overshadowed the moments of joy. To kill the pain I abused food. Bulimia became my companion for much to many years.... 11 to be exact. I thought that I had found a solution, not knowing that every time I put my head over the WC bowl I'd just fall deeper into despair despite the momentary relief.
No words can describe the shame and disgust I felt, always being painfully aware of my actions, knowing that my behavior was only a temporary solution. I fell deeper and deeper into self-hatred, feeling like such a fake showing a good looking happy smily face to the world, when dying on the inside. Today I can look at those years with gratitude, as being part of my life education at university of life.
Angels disguised as human beings have been a huge part of all my turning points. Who would think that a man breaking up with me was an angel? He was, as the pain of the breakup made me cross the Atlantic, made me go to the states, a place where I quickly hit bottom, but also fond help.
Who would think that the woman working as an accountant at my temp job would be one of my angels. She was, one day she put a flyer about overeaters anonymous on my desk. Riding in the elevator on Wilshire boulevard that took me to my first 12 step meeting was a huge turning point. I will never forget how scared I was, neither will I forget the joy and relief I felt realizing that I wasn't alone in this world!
All who have travelled the road of the 12 steps know that this is quite a bumpy ride, and so was mine. It took many years until I made friends with my inner enemies and the food. Helping me on this journey was a therapist in training that I meet while having brought my self to an eating disorder unit. Grace made me see that continuing having my life ruled by bulimia was a slow suicide, and as I wasn't ready to die I...... chose life.
My angel put her job on the line as she took me on as a patient before graduation. Not only did she do this but also gave me all her telephone numbers allowing me to call any time I needed. I never had to call, just knowing that she was there for me helped me through many dark moments.
I remember asking her, my therapist, how long it would take for me to get well! Thank God that she was wise and answered ... Well, that's so different from person to person..... I'm glad she didn't tell me the truth.... That growth and healing is a life-time commitment - it for sure was better for me to find out one day at a time!
To be continued - be gentle with yourself!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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